• Breaking: Notorious ransomware gang apologizes, offers full refunds
• Hackers pivot careers—citing “too much work” in cybercrime
• Phishing emails now include opt-out link, promise to respect your decision
• Dark web marketplace shuts down, owners say they “found their true calling” in gardening
• Malware developers announce recall due to unexpected ethical concerns
• Security teams celebrate: No more compliance audits—ever
• Nation-state hackers disband, form competitive knitting league